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WEEKLY WISDOM
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AN INTERVIEW WITH REBECCA LINDER HINTZE
1. On the cover of the book, you say that Healing Your Family
History communicates a key and sometimes overlooked
piece of the puzzle of psychology and self-help. What is the
missing piece?
The missing piece is knowing one’s family heritage and
understanding how our ancestors’ actions and attitudes affect
the way we act and respond to life today. Our family heritage
influences who we are and what we will become. If we want to
change, we must recognize the strong influence of our heritage,
and examine the lives, alleged thoughts, and beliefs of those
who came before us.
In my efforts to heal myself, I’ve learned that the self-help game
requires discovering the underlying code of rules that governed
the behavior of my ancestors. All families have rules to live by in
order to be loved, even though these rules may be unspoken.
Because our natural response is to be loyal to our families since
they are the initial source of love, we may hold on to these
subliminal rules, despite their fallacies.
Unfortunately, not all family patterns are healthy. But if we
examine the influence of our heritage and the benefits or deficits
of our legacy, we may be able to weed out the bad and
unproductive beliefs, and retain the good.
2. In your title you use the words "Family History" rather than
just “Family.” Are there suggestions that you make in the book
that can somehow change the past—or simply change the
course of the future?
Yes. In reality, we cannot change the past, but we can enhance
our future by changing the way we feel about the past. In some
ways, that does change the past. And it certainly does change
the course of the future.
Did you ever see Disney’s movie The Kid with actors Bruce
Willis and Spencer Breslin? Willis plays the role of an unhappy,
but successful, middle-aged businessman. In the movie, Willis
is visited by himself, as a boy, played by Breslin. The adult tries
to ignore and get rid of the boy, but eventually he pays attention
to him, comes to understand and love him, and subsequently
takes a look at his family and his past. In so doing, he changes
his perception of history and positively affects the future. In the
end, you see how the older character’s life is improved—an
improvement that required healing past
wounds.
Most of us are like Willis when we try to push the past behind us
and force our way into a successful future. But in truth, the past
isn’t behind us if we still harbor pain from the long-ago. If
previous pain still affects us, it’s worth confronting.
3. Throughout the book, you talk about the tools you give in
Healing Your Family History as an essential course that will
help readers get more of what they want in life. Explain why
this message is so vital?
Our unconscious mind controls many aspects or our lives. For
example, deciding whom we will marry is almost always un-
calculated because this decision is emotional and indicative of a
subliminal attraction. If we are to consciously control our lives,
we must become more aware that our unconscious mind runs
so much of the show.
Our family beliefs and inherited thought processes reside in the
deepest parts of our subconscious. These important data began
storing inside our brain when we were in our mother’s womb
and accumulated throughout our childhood. Consequently,
these data account for most of our unconscious patterning, and
that patterning dictates 93 percent of our choices. If our family
beliefs contradict our goals and our heart’s desires, then we
must heal our family history to achieve what we want in life.
4. You talk about false family traditions or illusions that we can
transcend. What are some of the more common ones?
I like to use a personal example to answer this question. I grew
up in a family where keeping our home clean was very
important. My grandmother couldn’t walk up the stairs without
bending over to pick up lint or dirt as she walked. She couldn’t
leave a glass on the kitchen counter for long without putting it in
the dishwasher. I learned from my family that good women keep
their homes clean. Conversely, I assumed that bad women don’t
keep their homes clean. Mind you, no one ever discussed these
values, but family members impressed them upon me by
example. While it’s not wrong to keep a clean house, it is wrong
for me to assume that my self worth is related to the cleanliness
of my home. To assume that I’m bad if my house is not clean is
an unhealthy family attitude that can cause undue stress and
anxiety. Any belief that causes us to measure our self worth
based on a specific skill or aptitude is a potential problem. A few
other examples are: believing that you must have a higher
education to be of worth, believing that you’re bad if you
make a lot of money, or believing that you’re bad if you don’t
make a lot of money. Any belief that leaves us attaching our
individual worth to it can be a problem.
5. Leo Tolstoy said, “All happy families resemble one another;
every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” Do you
believe this true? And if so, does every unhappy family, in fact,
have some commonalities?
Yes, I believe that happy families do resemble one another. In a
recent study published in Psychology Weekly, the most common
positive ingredient in a happy family is kindness.
I also believe that unhappy families are unhappy in their own
ways. Every family has its own set of common denominators that
create unhappy lives, and those common denominators are
generally dysfunctional family patterns. Even though unhappy
families are unhappy in different ways, there are common
denominators that result in unhappiness. So just as happy
families have similar positive ingredients, unhappy families
generally have similar negative traits. Among the most common
dysfunctions that characterize unhappy families are abuse and
beliefs that foster low self worth.
6. You speak of transitional figures who are essentially people
who change themselves and in so doing, change the course
of the future for others. Can you give me an example of
someone who has done this successfully and how they went
about it?
I have a close friend who spent years working to heal unhealthy
family patterns. This man was raised in an abusive home with
critical, judgmental family members who were perfectionists. My
friend was depressed in his early 20’s and didn’t know why.
Even after he married and began raising a family of his own, he
struggled with depression and financial problems. Over the
course of about ten years, I’ve watched my friend change his life.
His marriage is thriving, his relationship with his children is
healthy and growing, and he makes more money now than he
ever has. I’ve observed that the interaction within his family is no
longer characterized by sarcasm and criticism, but kindness and
love. He’s changed his outlook and given his children
opportunities and hope for the future that weren’t available to
him in his childhood home.
7. The most common reaction to people wanting to be
different than their family is to simply ignore them, detach
from them, or disown them. They may think that this is the
way to heal their family history. What do you have to say about
that?
It simply doesn’t work. If we reject and hate our family, we wind
up rejecting and hating a part of ourselves. Our family is a part of
us and we are literally offspring of our parents. The only way to
heal a family is through love. As we come to understand the pain
of our forbearers, have compassion upon them, and realize that
their issues may be our own, we can heal.
8. A lot of women, in particular, struggle with their roles. If they
work, they feel guilty, if they don't work, they don't feel good
enough. If they have lots of children, they are overwhelmed, if
they don't, they feel less than. How can the principles of this
book help women to heal their views around motherhood and
nurturing?
Women try harder than men to be everything to everyone. It’s in
our nature as nurturing caregivers. For women in particular,
understanding the code of expectations imposed by our families
and society, can free us to find personal fulfillment without
excess guilt.
9. In the middle of the book, you talk about the gifts we give to
others by believing in them. You even speak of the impact
that our negative thoughts have on others. Talk more about
the fact that if we see things we don't like in others, especially
our children, we are actually seeing a mirror of things we
don't like in ourselves?
Stephen Covey once said, “Each person sees the world not as it
is, but as he or she is.” Whenever we speak or even think, our
words and thoughts reflect ourselves and our perception.
Because we assume that everyone sees the world the way we
do, we often draw false conclusions about others. Sometimes
we even project those false conclusions onto others.
Our children represent to us the child within. Each time I see my
daughter, I see myself at the same time. If I have difficulty loving
myself, I will have difficulty loving her. If I project my own self-
doubt and fears onto my daughter, who relies on me for a sense
of worth, she may respond to my negative projections by acting
out my fears.
10. If you could quickly sum up what it takes to Heal Your
Family History in just a few sentences, what would you say?
First, you must intend to heal. Second, you must be willing to
see yourself, and recognize both your good qualities and your
imperfections. And third, you must be willing to love both yourself
and your family.
1. On the cover of the book, you say that Healing Your Family
History communicates a key and sometimes overlooked
piece of the puzzle of psychology and self-help. What is the
missing piece?
The missing piece is knowing one’s family heritage and
understanding how our ancestors’ actions and attitudes affect
the way we act and respond to life today. Our family heritage
influences who we are and what we will become. If we want to
change, we must recognize the strong influence of our heritage,
and examine the lives, alleged thoughts, and beliefs of those
who came before us.
In my efforts to heal myself, I’ve learned that the self-help game
requires discovering the underlying code of rules that governed
the behavior of my ancestors. All families have rules to live by in
order to be loved, even though these rules may be unspoken.
Because our natural response is to be loyal to our families since
they are the initial source of love, we may hold on to these
subliminal rules, despite their fallacies.
Unfortunately, not all family patterns are healthy. But if we
examine the influence of our heritage and the benefits or deficits
of our legacy, we may be able to weed out the bad and
unproductive beliefs, and retain the good.
2. In your title you use the words "Family History" rather than
just “Family.” Are there suggestions that you make in the book
that can somehow change the past—or simply change the
course of the future?
Yes. In reality, we cannot change the past, but we can enhance
our future by changing the way we feel about the past. In some
ways, that does change the past. And it certainly does change
the course of the future.
Did you ever see Disney’s movie The Kid with actors Bruce
Willis and Spencer Breslin? Willis plays the role of an unhappy,
but successful, middle-aged businessman. In the movie, Willis
is visited by himself, as a boy, played by Breslin. The adult tries
to ignore and get rid of the boy, but eventually he pays attention
to him, comes to understand and love him, and subsequently
takes a look at his family and his past. In so doing, he changes
his perception of history and positively affects the future. In the
end, you see how the older character’s life is improved—an
improvement that required healing past
wounds.
Most of us are like Willis when we try to push the past behind us
and force our way into a successful future. But in truth, the past
isn’t behind us if we still harbor pain from the long-ago. If
previous pain still affects us, it’s worth confronting.
3. Throughout the book, you talk about the tools you give in
Healing Your Family History as an essential course that will
help readers get more of what they want in life. Explain why
this message is so vital?
Our unconscious mind controls many aspects or our lives. For
example, deciding whom we will marry is almost always un-
calculated because this decision is emotional and indicative of a
subliminal attraction. If we are to consciously control our lives,
we must become more aware that our unconscious mind runs
so much of the show.
Our family beliefs and inherited thought processes reside in the
deepest parts of our subconscious. These important data began
storing inside our brain when we were in our mother’s womb
and accumulated throughout our childhood. Consequently,
these data account for most of our unconscious patterning, and
that patterning dictates 93 percent of our choices. If our family
beliefs contradict our goals and our heart’s desires, then we
must heal our family history to achieve what we want in life.
4. You talk about false family traditions or illusions that we can
transcend. What are some of the more common ones?
I like to use a personal example to answer this question. I grew
up in a family where keeping our home clean was very
important. My grandmother couldn’t walk up the stairs without
bending over to pick up lint or dirt as she walked. She couldn’t
leave a glass on the kitchen counter for long without putting it in
the dishwasher. I learned from my family that good women keep
their homes clean. Conversely, I assumed that bad women don’t
keep their homes clean. Mind you, no one ever discussed these
values, but family members impressed them upon me by
example. While it’s not wrong to keep a clean house, it is wrong
for me to assume that my self worth is related to the cleanliness
of my home. To assume that I’m bad if my house is not clean is
an unhealthy family attitude that can cause undue stress and
anxiety. Any belief that causes us to measure our self worth
based on a specific skill or aptitude is a potential problem. A few
other examples are: believing that you must have a higher
education to be of worth, believing that you’re bad if you
make a lot of money, or believing that you’re bad if you don’t
make a lot of money. Any belief that leaves us attaching our
individual worth to it can be a problem.
5. Leo Tolstoy said, “All happy families resemble one another;
every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” Do you
believe this true? And if so, does every unhappy family, in fact,
have some commonalities?
Yes, I believe that happy families do resemble one another. In a
recent study published in Psychology Weekly, the most common
positive ingredient in a happy family is kindness.
I also believe that unhappy families are unhappy in their own
ways. Every family has its own set of common denominators that
create unhappy lives, and those common denominators are
generally dysfunctional family patterns. Even though unhappy
families are unhappy in different ways, there are common
denominators that result in unhappiness. So just as happy
families have similar positive ingredients, unhappy families
generally have similar negative traits. Among the most common
dysfunctions that characterize unhappy families are abuse and
beliefs that foster low self worth.
6. You speak of transitional figures who are essentially people
who change themselves and in so doing, change the course
of the future for others. Can you give me an example of
someone who has done this successfully and how they went
about it?
I have a close friend who spent years working to heal unhealthy
family patterns. This man was raised in an abusive home with
critical, judgmental family members who were perfectionists. My
friend was depressed in his early 20’s and didn’t know why.
Even after he married and began raising a family of his own, he
struggled with depression and financial problems. Over the
course of about ten years, I’ve watched my friend change his life.
His marriage is thriving, his relationship with his children is
healthy and growing, and he makes more money now than he
ever has. I’ve observed that the interaction within his family is no
longer characterized by sarcasm and criticism, but kindness and
love. He’s changed his outlook and given his children
opportunities and hope for the future that weren’t available to
him in his childhood home.
7. The most common reaction to people wanting to be
different than their family is to simply ignore them, detach
from them, or disown them. They may think that this is the
way to heal their family history. What do you have to say about
that?
It simply doesn’t work. If we reject and hate our family, we wind
up rejecting and hating a part of ourselves. Our family is a part of
us and we are literally offspring of our parents. The only way to
heal a family is through love. As we come to understand the pain
of our forbearers, have compassion upon them, and realize that
their issues may be our own, we can heal.
8. A lot of women, in particular, struggle with their roles. If they
work, they feel guilty, if they don't work, they don't feel good
enough. If they have lots of children, they are overwhelmed, if
they don't, they feel less than. How can the principles of this
book help women to heal their views around motherhood and
nurturing?
Women try harder than men to be everything to everyone. It’s in
our nature as nurturing caregivers. For women in particular,
understanding the code of expectations imposed by our families
and society, can free us to find personal fulfillment without
excess guilt.
9. In the middle of the book, you talk about the gifts we give to
others by believing in them. You even speak of the impact
that our negative thoughts have on others. Talk more about
the fact that if we see things we don't like in others, especially
our children, we are actually seeing a mirror of things we
don't like in ourselves?
Stephen Covey once said, “Each person sees the world not as it
is, but as he or she is.” Whenever we speak or even think, our
words and thoughts reflect ourselves and our perception.
Because we assume that everyone sees the world the way we
do, we often draw false conclusions about others. Sometimes
we even project those false conclusions onto others.
Our children represent to us the child within. Each time I see my
daughter, I see myself at the same time. If I have difficulty loving
myself, I will have difficulty loving her. If I project my own self-
doubt and fears onto my daughter, who relies on me for a sense
of worth, she may respond to my negative projections by acting
out my fears.
10. If you could quickly sum up what it takes to Heal Your
Family History in just a few sentences, what would you say?
First, you must intend to heal. Second, you must be willing to
see yourself, and recognize both your good qualities and your
imperfections. And third, you must be willing to love both yourself
and your family.
| Photos of Rebecca |
